May 15, 2025

As fifth grade starts to wind down and the complex reality of middle school looms, I’m reminded of how this blog began. November 2014, I was a stay at home dad, spending my days with Baby Cozy, wondering how I was going to raise a girl in a culture that still devalued half the population. The idea of a blog charting the challenges of “feminist fatherhood” seemed like a good way to share the struggle. Over ten years later, while the the world burns, protecting her gendered journey is still the priority.

The experience of elementary schools has seen the predicted emergence of pre-teen gender rolls. As discussed in Carol Gilligan’s pioneering 1982 study, In a Different Voice, the primary grades, 1 – 3, saw boys and girls as a fairly homogenous blob of “kids.” Half of Cozy’s friends were made of snips, snails and puppy-dogs’ tails. But by 4th, each team peeled off. In fourth grade, Cozy found her tribe of Swifties and boys became the object of much gossip and wonder. “Does he like me?”

Gilligan wrote about how 13 was the age of the great gender divide in which girls start to realize their value is based on how boys view them and their self-esteem plummets. But 2025 is not 1982, for better or for worse. For worse, kids are hitting puberty earlier now. In the 1970s, the average of the first menstruation was 13 and it’s down to 12 now. The beauty industry is targeting younger and younger girls. Cozy has been experimenting with make up but tells me it’s just for fun. On the better side, Gen Alpha kids have been raised by parents who mostly accept the basic tenants of feminism that girls and women are human beings. Boys seem less creepy and girls seem less concerned with their opinion.

We’ll see if that holds up in sixth grade.

This week I got a little tour of the middle school Cozy will attending in the fall. Parents had fun sharing their fond memories of middle school. I don’t know if it’s a “Deep South” thing, but we didn’t have middle schools where I grew up. Elementary went to seventh grade and eighth grade was high school, where you were a “sub-freshman,” the dreaded “Subbie.” Being in seventh meant you were the very big fish in the pond, but the year was also spent full of horror stories about what awaited the little subbies, destined to be terrorized by giant (and practically adult) high school kids. “They’ll force you to do heroin in the bathroom!”

I’ve gathered that middle school is the crucible of adolescent drama. Take 300 kids going through puberty and lock them in a building together for 5 days a week and see what happens. I’m guessing the gendered game of attracting boys is part of that. I’m hoping Cozy’s internal compass is rooted in enough self-efficacy that she won’t be knocked off track by that monstrous norm. But I’ll be on the look out for anything that looks like the surrendering of self that happens to girls in that patriarchal zone, including eating disorders. I think her girl squad will provide a buffer to that traditional pull.

When this blog started, my primary rants were about gendered baby toys and the lack of TV commercials that show men doing housework. Now we’re getting into the real stuff, from body image to sexual safety. This is where the feminist fatherhood business either pays dividends or goes into crisis mode. I have faith in my daughter. The rest of the world, populated by MAGA incels and Carl’s Jr. ads, I’m on guard against. What will happen?