Prince Died for Your Sins: Prophecy and Phallacy

April 28, 2016

Dearly beloved, I want you to explore the infinite mystery in your own special way, the God power, the cosmic tick-tock, Yahweh, Science, Gaia, the Holy Trinity, the Hubble Array, whatever you want to call it. But I have a little story for you about the prince of paisley.

I had to listen to Prince records in silence. They were too dirty to play out loud. I worked in a record store in the fall of 1981 when Controversy came out. It was Georgia so we couldn’t play it in the store for fear of offending Bible Belt shoppers looking for the new REO Speedwagon album. But we took turns taking the store copy home so we could play “Do Me, Baby” in the privacy of our bedrooms, under the sheets.

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There are a million Prince-related stories like that, always about sex and shame and how Prince didn’t give a fuck who or how you fucked. When he died last week, everyone who never saw Purple Rain talked about how much they loved Purple Rain. Somehow the sinful sexuality, the androgyny and the personal freedom that were so despised 30-years ago by the PMRC have become the property of the most uptight unsexy-MFers in the world. Did you know that Matt Lauer was a “big fan”? But I’m here to tell you something different.

Prince is a deity and he died for your sex sins.

How do I know this? Because I am his prophet. I first became aware of his divinity on October 13, 1988. That’s when I saw him in Atlanta on the Lovesexy tour. He arose out of the stage and ascended into the air in a red Corvette, bathed in a celestial purple light. I felt something stir deep inside me. There was a ringing in my ears after the show that said, “Don’t turn away from me. I am the purple light.” But I did just that. I forsook my sex lord.

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A few years later, after the Diamonds & Pearls (1991) album, I turned away from Prince and his message of sexual freedom. Oh, sure I’d check in once in a while, I even bought Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic (1999) and Musicology (2004). But of his last twenty-four albums, those are the only ones I let into my world. And my life began to suffer. I experienced copious alcohol consumption, divorce, job loss, I even wore a goatee for many years. All because I let Prince out of my heart.

Then right after he died, a strange thing happened. I was in the laundry room, in the basement of my house, washing whites. Alone. Suddenly a fantastic bolt of light emerged out of the dryer and knocked me off my feet. Standing there was the angel Gabriel, bathed in a purple light, the same light I had seen emanating from Prince in 1988. I could barely breathe. Then, in a high-pitched yet genderless voice, Gabriel said,

“The New Power Generation is here and you will be its leader. I will provide you God’s 23 positions for sexual liberation on 39 golden plates. These verses will become known as The Book of Prince and will lead the rainbow children to the emancipation of Planet Earth and the golden experience of eternal joy.”

And I said, “Right on, Gabe! What do you want me to do?”

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The angel replied, “The new power age will have no churches. There are thieves in the temple. Set up a GoFundMe account and tell each person who sends you $19.99 that, when they die, their souls will be funked up by Lord Prince and they will get off for all eternity.”

The angel then dropped a purple sock into my load of whites, donned a raspberry-colored beret and zapped back into my dryer.

So if you want a funky eternal life, just send $19.99 to: gofundme.com/2chh6ftg

The moral of this story is…

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All religions are created by people. Prophets are people who other people believe to be divine. Holy books are written by people that other people believe to be sacred. There is no religion without human invention. How do you know that Moses or Muhammad or Joseph Smith or me are or are not actual prophets? You don’t. That’s the value of faith. Prince was a Jehovah’s Witness, a religion started in the 1870s and run by a group of “Elders” (i.e. people) in Brooklyn who are in charge of telling followers what the Bible REALLY says. And apparently Armageddon is coming any minute, so get out your debit cards. Every single religion is a house of cards built on the work of human beings that claim they speak for God or gods. Religious followers faith is not in God, it’s in the people who invented the religion; faith that they are not con-men.

That does not mean there is no transcendent mystery in the universe that people have called, “God.” It is entirely possible that when you die you get to see your grandmother and your dead cat and get to jam with Jimi Hendrix (Poor dead Hendrix). There may be an intelligent design to this mess after all. Or it might be a lot of wishful thinking that some very clever people have capitalized on. I don’t know. I’m agnostic. Joseph Campbell, who spent his long life studying the thousands of religions in the world once said, “He who thinks he knows, doesn’t know. He who knows that he doesn’t know, knows.” I don’t know.

What I do know is that for the last 3000 years, the people who have been inventing religions are mostly men and conveniently created a god that looks like them, typically an old white guy. (For shits and giggles, Google Image “God.”) Jews, Christians, and Muslims learn that God has existed for all eternity and then suddenly created the entire universe in six days. Makes you wonder what God was doing before those six days. Did He Netflix and chill? With himself? Guys.

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I totally respect whatever you want to worship, whatever your god or gods look like. If you want to pray to a lord that looks like Ewan McGreggor or a god that looks like an overly ripe avocado, I’ve got your back. Just know that unless your are a follower of some ancient pagan goddess, there is or was some dude behind a curtain pulling the levers. This is how we got patriarchy (and Melania Trump).

When you look at child marriage in Pakistan, the arrest of women for having abortions in Northern Ireland, the brothels of India, or Ted Cruz and the normality of rape culture in the United States it starts with the idea that God has a phallus and created MAN in HIS image. As Mary Daly so famously said, “If God is man than man is God.” There’s a ton of celebrated rape in the Old Testament of the Bible, in books written by men.

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So the next time someone wants to use some “sacred scripture” to justify something, especially the oppression of some other group of people, ask who wrote that scripture. The answer is that is was a person, just like Prince. You are free to put your faith in the scribblings of some men from the Bronze Age, or the 1800s (or the 1950s if you are a Scientologist). Or you could put on Prince’s Sign o’ the Times album and find some great wisdom there. It’s pretty much the same thing. The men who wrote Leviticus, the Koran, 2 Corinthians and the Book of Mormon were built exactly the same way as the man who wrote, “Your face is jamming, your body’s heck-a-slamming, if love is good, let’s get to ramming.” So lovesexy. That’s what Lord Prince wants. Believe me, I’m a prophet.

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8 thoughts on “Prince Died for Your Sins: Prophecy and Phallacy

  1. i was raised southern baptist. now if you want the hell scared out of you try that one on for size. my dad was not a believer, it was my Mom. when i was about ten, i saw the sham for what it was. but you don’t voice that in the bible belt. now i don’t discuss it at all. if people want to believe in some fairy in the sky, i figure that is their business. if i voice any dissent, they say they will pray for me and that i just need faith. what bullshit. God is not dead, he just wasn’t there in the first place. we are born, we live , we die. and that is pretty much it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Fortunately for me, my father who went from a serious religious life to atheism, was my first teacher when I was a teenager. I’m not a fan of Prince or any other contemporary stars (too old, I’m 89) but I do believe that horrors are done in the name of god (in all religions).

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Help me understand what exactly is it you have against religion? Is it because people worship a God whom they cannot see? Or is it because they put their faith into a book of teachings as you say, “are written by man?”

    The same concept can be taken in the terms of creation. The Bible in Gen 1:1 “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” When you say God made everything in 6 days, please understand that it literally didn’t mean 6 days. 2 Peter 3:8 says, “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

    Then on the other side of the coin, you have science. Science says everything was created by the Big Bang. Science continuously explains where the atom comes from, but science can’t answer where the very first atom came from in order for the big bang to have occurred.

    I’m not saying all this to sound like a preacher, because I’m not even close to being one. Honestly, I’m not even worth the title. However, rather than rejecting someone because of their faith they have, be more open minded to them. As I’ve heard say before, Christians are evil and bad. Not all are bad. Surprisingly, there are actually a lot of good Christians in this world. You can’t just the populous based of the Westboro Baptist Church. They have taken scripture and twisted it into something it doesn’t even stand for. Same thing with the KKK, ISIS, and whoever else (I only used them as an example because they are extremists claiming to do God’s work). Religion is what gives people internal peace and hope.

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    1. I’m happy that people find peace and hope in religion. Others find war and excuse to oppress half of the human population. All “holy books” were written by men. Every single one of them. I just want people to recognize that. You cannot find me a holy book that was not written by humans.

      Science can’t explain everything. So we used “God,” as the fall back explanation. If science can’t tell us (at the moment) what was before the Big Bang, it must be God. People used to think lunar eclipse were the wolf god eating the moon god.

      So religion has done many wonderful things and many completely horrible things. No, that’s not right. Man has done many wonderful things and many completely horrible things and has used religion as its justification. And so has science for that matter. Free your mind.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I think I see what you are saying – science is taking the place of God. One day, perhaps there will be no room left for God, and all we will have is science in God’s place. More people writing new holy books for the uneducated masses to follow, another system of domination claiming ultimate authority.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. There is so much genius here that I don’t know where to begin. First, jealousy. I never saw Prince in concert. It was always on my live music bucket list but I took him and his apparent ability to stay forever-young for granted. And I’m probably a little more sad than is normal at his passing.

    “I even wore a goatee for many years..” This had me cracking up. But also I relate. I, too, turned away from Prince after Diamonds and Pearls. I was too concerned with my flannels and my love for grunge and classic rock to give him the time of day. I didn’t sport a goatee, but I will admit to wearing flannels to this day. My redeeming moment? When my two teens came home from school last week and each said to me “Mom! Did you hear about Prince?” I felt vindicated. Like maybe I’m not a horrible parent after all.

    And as a polite southern girl living my whole life in the Bible Belt, I love your explanation for religion.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I remember first listening to Controversy back then and truly having my then-Catholic schoolgirl mind completely blown. I too turned away but the love and joy of his music is drawing me back now that his death has reminded me of his life.

    There are definitely worse gods to be a prophet for. 🙂

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