September 7, 2017
I was speaking at a civil rights conference in Michigan this week and over lunch I was having a conversation with a jovial guy who worked in law enforcement. Since it’s always a unifying topic, we began chatting about our children. I showed him a cute pic of Cozy milking a cow at the Oregon State Fair. “You’re gonna need a shotgun,” he said.
I wish it was the first time I’d heard that line. Even before Cozy was born, when friends, family, or strangers heard we were having a girl, the calls for “better get a shotgun” came from men of all ages.
I understand that these men are trying to be cute, but it always injects two thoughts into my head; 1) I don’t want a gun, and 2) thanks for reminding me that boys and men will try to rape my daughter.
I mean, isn’t that what that line means? If Cozy is hanging out with a boy that she likes, it’s her time, her body, her choice. Right? It’s only if said boy crosses some boundary into nonconsensual douche-baggery that hero dad is supposed to rush in with his 12-gauge Remington to rescue his damsel in distress by threatening to blow this kid’s head clean off. “Do you feel lucky, punk?”
I’m not buying it.
What patriarchal vision has a father guarding his daughter’s window, weapon loaded, to make sure sex-crazed boys don’t rob her of her precious virginity? Cozy can arm herself with the wisdom to surround herself with the type of boys who can use the front door. I’m trying not to think too much about her inevitable transition into a sexual being, but my hope is she will own it responsibly without the anxiety of a father who wants her locked in a chastity belt, or who is lying in wait, with a Winchester across his lap.
The cute line about shotguns is more an acknowledgement of the rape culture we must raise our daughters in. I can trust that Cozy will make good choices with the boys (and/or girls) in her life and know how to shut down any unwanted advances (and accept the wanted ones). We will load her up with lines from TLC (“I don’t want no scrub.”) and bell hooks (“There can be no love without justice, asshole.”) But the harsh reality is that there will probably be boys and men than blast right though those defenses.
Self-report studies have found that one in four women in America will be raped in their lifetime, many numerous times. The numbers are even more bleak for the more broadly defined “sexual assault.” He may not force his penis into her, but “just” grabbing her breasts may be enough to demonstrate who is boss. The same research shows that only 22% of rapes are committed by strangers, the majority are men known to the victim. This might happen in a dormitory, on a date, at a family gathering, or all of the above. It could be a boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, or thinks-he’s-a-boyfriend, or all of the above. There is no place that girls and women are safe from the potential of unwanted sexual contact; not home, not work, not school. So I know this, and it kills me that Cozy will know this, too.
We’ve tried raise a generation of girls who can defend themselves. We’ve given them guns, pepper spray, German Shepherds, and rape whistles. We’ve taught them how to walk in groups, cover their drinks in bars, and trust their guts about guys who give off rapey vibes. But we haven’t done a very good job teaching boys and men not to rape. When their presidents and faux-medieval TV heroes do it, you can understand why they might think they are entitled to women and girls’ bodies. According to a 1998 study by the National Institute of Justice, 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. A recent University of North Dakota survey found that 1 in 3 college males would rape a female if they knew that would not face any consequences. Boys will be boys, right?
If there’s any good news it’s that the rates of rape and sexual assault have been falling (along with the violent crime rate in general). Rape victims coming out of the shadows and sharing their stories have surely been a part of that decline. Every man has at least one woman in his life who has experienced this horror. Maybe boys need to hear these stories as well, from their mothers, sisters, teachers, doctors, neighbors. It makes all that Game of Thrones rape a bit less entertaining. I do know the decline in what is still an epidemic of sexual violence has nothing with dads chasing aspiring rapists off with shotguns.
So here’s how that conversation is going to go next time:
“You’re daughter’s very cute. You’re gonna need a shotgun”
“Because she’s going to have boys all over her.”
“What if she wants boys all over her?”
“What if she doesn’t?”
“So, you’re saying she’ll have guys harassing her and trying to rape her.”
“And she won’t be able to take care of it herself?”
“She might not be. I’m just saying you might need that gun.”
“How about you teach your boy not to rape her and we spend that gun money on something else?”
Postscript: A friend pointed out that also coded in this is that only pretty/skinny/cute girls are targets of rape, as if rape was an act of sexual attraction. All types of girls and women are rape. It’s about power, not sex.
5 thoughts on ““You’re gonna need a shotgun” Raising a daughter in a rape culture”
I think there’s something you might be forgetting. As you look on t.v., magazines, books, schools, and even the internet, there is one thing all these have in common: SEX.
Boys/men can be taught about how to treat a woman (although opening doors is considered sexist in the eyes of many feminists), but when guys sees how woman are treated in these environments, they begin to live in a fantasy world. I’ve shared with you about my struggles with this in the past.
Remember, no matter how good of home these young men are brought up in, the internet and other outlets can and will be quite dangerous.
Also, looking at a sociological perspective, porn is a very strong drug. It takes women and views them as an object rather than a person.
I always thought the shotgun reference was to scaring them off so they don’t “try anything” on your daughter (even though she wants it, but dad is trying to stop it), but not a reference to sexual assault. Either way, I *really* hate that kind of joking. It is so insulting on so many levels. Also, who even knows if their daughter will prefer boys/girls/both? I think putting that assumption on your kids is problematic, for them and our culture at large. I have two girls, and surprisingly I have not had any shotgun comments – I think change is happening.
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i spent a lot of time in my dating years fending off boys. in cars on dates i spent most of my time jammed against the door on my side of the car. i hadn’t a clue how to stop it. thought i must be sending out some sign that i wanted this. i was a teen in the fifties . boys then thought they had some right to do this. even a dad where i work tried it. my parents had given me no clue, that they had no right to do that. somehow i knew they had to right to assume that it was o.k. my parents thought an early curfew was the clue. why didn’t it occur to them rape or near rape also happened before ten p.m? i taught my own daughter that boys or men had an ingrained right to try and rape them. you are right teach your girls that it is their body and no one has a right to invade that space. now here we go . let’s not excuse young men that it is their birthright “to nail as many girls as possible” a notch on the belt so to speak. they need to learn that they have no right to the body of any woman without her consent . when a girl reports it , let say in the college setting the boy is hardly punished. if he stole from school, he would be expelled. a slap on the wrist for rape and sent on his way. they need some rules to guide them the same as young women do. both young men and women need guidance
not a shot gun dad. they can be their own shotgun.