Why I chose to no longer wear bicycle shorts

January 26, 2015

For the past several months, I have been having a conviction weighing heavy on my heart. I tried ignoring it for as long as I could until one day a conversation came up amongst myself and a few others (both men and women). The conversation was about bicycle shorts and how when men wear them it creates a stronger attraction for a woman to look at a man’s body and may cause them to think lustful thoughts.

God really changed my heart in the midst of that conversation and instead of ignoring my convictions, I figured it was time I start listening to them and take action. I went home later that day and shared the convictions I was having with my wife. Was it possible my wearing bicycle shorts could cause a woman, other than my wife, to think lustfully about my body? I asked my wife her thoughts on the matter when she got home. I appreciated her honesty when she told me, “yeah, when I walk into a place and there are men wearing bicycle shorts everywhere, it’s hard to not look. I try not to, but it’s not easy.”

So, because it is up to me to control women’s lustful ways, I pledge to no longer wear bicycle shorts, bathing suits, or yoga pants. Also, I will refrain from wearing my Spiderman costume in public, because I know that women are staring at my junk and my buttocks and having perverted thoughts about sex with America’s favorite webslinger. I made a vow to my wife and will only wear the Spiderman outfit when I am alone with her.

Because this is a covenant with God and my wife, when in public I will only wear a burka. I know when I am outside, even in a business suit, women see me as a sexual object and are undressing me with their lustful eyes. So I vow to wear as many layers as possible so undressing me with their eyes will just take too much effort. Women will look, but why entice them? I also plan to put on 200 pounds, stop brushing my teeth, and cut my hair into a mullet. My body belongs to God and my wife so I must do what I can to inspire revulsion in women who would look at my twigs and berries in my tight jeans and become aroused.

If Eve had had a burka, I’m sure she would have worn it to keep all the animals in the Garden of Eden from thinking she was “easy.” I am more than my body and by hiding my body under a burka I am protecting women from falling into a pit of overwhelming lust for me and also making God happy.

Obviously, I’m just clowning on fellow Oregonian Veronica Partridge’s viral blog post, Why I Chose to Not Wear Leggings. Her reason is the exact same reason women who live under the religious regime of the Taliban are forced to be covered from head to toe, so as not to illicit lust in men. And look at how that turned out. Those sexually repressed men in Afghanistan are not known for their respect for women. Veronica, it is not women’s job to prevent men from having lustful thoughts, just like it’s not women’s job to stop men from raping women. In the Victorian era there would be riots just over the sight of a woman’s ankle and I’m sure there are men in Afghanistan who get a stiffy from a tiny bit of jiggle under a hijab. If you want to stop enticing men from having lustful thoughts about you, why not get Jesus tattooed on your face? Shit, I bet there some guys who are really into that! Men are going to have lustful thoughts yoga pants or no yoga pants. In this patriarchal culture, men can pretty much find any way to sexualize women. That’s the problem. It’s not leggings that make you a “sexual object.”

I have no doubt your husband appreciates you trying to reduce men jonesing for you. I’m also sure he’s glad other women are NOT doing the same thing. (The male gaze goes unchecked.) And I appreciate you not telling other women to burn their leggings at the stake. Ain’t America great? We’re all free to blog whatever!

As a feminist, I support Ms. Partridge’s right to wear whatever she wants without facing judgement. But it also important to point out that what she is doing is a version of “slut-shaming.” That somehow women are at fault, just by virtue of their clothing choices, in causing bad thoughts (or behavior) in men. I’m sure she is secretly aware that women can be just as lustful as men, but men in biker shorts aren’t seen as creating problems in her Christian marriage. As far as we know.

I want my daughter to live in a world where her clothing choices reflect her sense of self, not a fear of what men might think of her. She will have a right to wear leggings or a hijab or a Brooks Brothers’ suit or a very tight Spiderman costume. She (and Veronica) will be better served by respecting men who can keep their “lustful ways” in check. People (men and women) look. So what? But if you don’t feel safe in your yoga pants, it’s not your fault. And not wearing those things isn’t going to make you any more safe. So let’s deal with that. But I still promise not to wear bicycling shorts again. So 1990s.

And Cozy (23 weeks old and future blogger)  typed the following: n     f h, v   mum n,pojm,lkm/hyu,m/omn fr 6rert ybhtn76yhgnb,ms d , ,.m rgjvm gtrfce x    cx xjynjymbh nn 786xx v

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13 thoughts on “Why I chose to no longer wear bicycle shorts

  1. So glad you chose to blog on this subject. Will we ever get over the bullshit guilt trip imposed on humanity by countless religions and any other asshole who uses guilt, shame, and any other gutteral thought process carried out by anyone to filter, change, suppress an individuals right to expression without worrying about what others think or might think?!!! I gave up bike shorts cause my ass has decided to vacation further south than I care to visit.

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    1. It’s funny how people can twist God, Jesus, Mohammed, whatever to fit their own personal issues. I’m sure Jesus doesn’t really care about what men/women/goats look at but I bet this woman is concerned about where her husband’s eyes are going, and it has nothing to do with “God.”

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  2. Four years ago, I retired from the Postal Service – having worked in the sorting facility in Portland. Because workers were “out of sight” from the public, we were allowed to dress casually. Even so, we had an unwritten “dress code.” While I was there, two people were sent home by their supervisors (to change clothes) because of wearing provocative clothing – a “well-endowed” guy who wore Spandex exercise pants and no apparent underwear – and a woman who chose to wear low-cut tops after having breast augmentation surgery (B to DD).

    Employers have long known that “distracted” employees can be a workplace safety hazard. They also know that “distractions” are natural human responses. But between the two, they choose to err on the side of safety. And who can blame them?

    Now … on the leggings, I feel that Ms. Partridge is a bit too far out on a limb in her pear tree (grin). But, if she wants to be less of a distraction to men other than her husband, why not? I’m certain that a lot of attractive married women are tired of the whistles, come-ons, and innuendo from other men. And if they want to agree with Partridge, it’s their right to do so. I’m also certain that a lot of attractive married women relish in the whistles, come-ons, and innuendo from other men. And if they want to think that Partridge is a prudish stuck-up-sticky-beak, it’s their right to do so, too. Either way, it’s their right.

    Brief closing comment on “distractions.” After I retired, I moved to Washington state. And up here, there’s a big debate going on – on the topic of distracted driving. It’s primarily leveled at cellphone users. And some want to outlaw cellphone use in cars altogether. I think a lot of that is hoo-hah if the user is using a hands-free device. Even worse than cellphones, how about people who drive with their multi-megawatt boom-boom stereos so loud the vibrations would wake the dead (grin). Or something simpler. How about people who drive while talking to a passenger in their car? With cellphone conversations, there’s no need to turn your head. Not so with passengers. People have a tendency to turn their head toward a passenger while speaking to them. And if a driver turns his/her head, their attention is not on the road.

    Off pulpit.

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    1. The problem is that she is blaming herself for the thoughts and actions of other people. How is it her fault if men turn and look at her? It is THEIR responsibility to control themselves. And who says there is a law against lust? That is something that happens in the mind. As long as you don’t act on it, you’re not committing any kind of a crime, you’re just thinking certain thoughts. If I stare a guy’s crotch-bulge, is that a crime, too? Is it the man’s fault that I stared? How far do we go in governing what people can and cannot wear in the name of not distracting each other?

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    2. Is it really “blame” or just a realization that sexual distractions are innate in everyone – and that she’s decided to use her clothing choices to minimize those distractions?

      If I was “attractive,” I frankly wouldn’t care about those distractions. But, that’s just me.

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  3. Two disconnected points:

    1. Cycle shorts are in no way sexy at all.

    2. I would hate for *my* daughters to think that clothing choices “reflect their sense of self” using clothes as some kind of billboard on which we advertise our personal brands. I find that notion sickening. Clothes are for keeping warm, maybe even for enticing the right amount of lust in your date, they are not for expressing “who you really are” – because they are incapable of doing that.

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    1. Hehehe. When I was five, I once ran through my parent’s house naked. Unfortunately, they had guests at the time (grin). Later, my mom took me aside and asked me, “Do you know why we wear clothing?” I thought for a second and replied, “So we won’t go to jail.” I’m 64 now and still feel that my answer was just as good as any other (grin).

      While I was still working, I got into a debate with a female coworker who always had a strong scent of Avon’s “Breathless” perfume. I asked her if she wore that perfume to attract men. She said no – that she wore it because she wanted to “feel good about myself.” I mentioned Avon’s “Breathless” commercial showing a manly beefcake floating through a surreal scene with a wistful/longing look on his face – while the announcer said, in a sexy voice, “Leave him Breathless.” And I asked her what that commercial had to do with feeling good about oneself. “You just don’t understand,” she replied. Maybe I didn’t. Then again, maybe I did.

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  4. *i* quit wearing bike shorts because when i started to ride every day, i didn;t have enough to keep clean ones. then i realized i didn;t need them, because A. i’m not racing and B. if you ride enough your butt turns to iron and C. you get your saddle adjusted finally

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